My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
this isn’t threatening at all
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite