[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.