“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Catering service
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
These work great until they don’t.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.