I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
You Might Also Like
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69