Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job