daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.