Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why