My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
You Might Also Like
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I am patiently waiting for your email
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.