A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.