I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Today’s Times
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.