Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂