I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
You Might Also Like
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
mechanics be like
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect