I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.