In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke