Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Chicken bread
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.