An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.