Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

I’m not lazy