The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.