If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Do not levitate over flowers
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Always 🥴
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them