Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down