“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?