Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My favorite farside!!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.