Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Mission: Impossible
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?