Single and childfree like Jesus
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[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!