What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Tuesday
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.