The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?