my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.