Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.