No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Very good news from my accountant
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.