Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
is this a warning or an offer?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*