“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Sell your car
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair