Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
the red hot silly peppers
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.