Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Ron is short for Aaronald
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”