The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Doggies just call it style.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Well, this certainly took a turn
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year