Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.