[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
This is Sparta