Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.