Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.