Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.