Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.