if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names