I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
This did not end as expected.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.