5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
😍😂🥰😂😍
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away