Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
lmao
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?