WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I identify as an antique shop.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods