Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game