I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I see that your IQ test came back negative.