Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
i hope my email finds you on fire
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.