Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
You Might Also Like
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
X-tra spooky blend
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*