The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
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Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run